Our princess has a weakness for afros. Our princess also has a weakness for tall, skinny guys who are “slightly” (up to 7 years, no big deal) younger than her. More than anything, she loves a guy who can make her laugh. Well, actually, more than anything she loves someone who is brutally honest…but funny is a very close second.
When she found a boy who met all of this criteria on Tinder, she immediately swiped right. Instantly, she received the “It’s a match!” notification. She was shy, so she said nothing to him. After a few days had passed, Robin*, a comedian that lived about an hour away, finally sent her a message. He said, “You seem way too gorgeous to have swiped right on me on purpose. Are you one of the spam accounts, or did I get lucky?”. The princess blushed and thus began a quick connection through Tinder, texting and eventually Snapchat messages.
The two of them played Truth or Dare via text and videos for weeks which led to many revelations. The princess learned that the thing Robin most wished he could change about his childhood was how long his parents allowed him to believe in Santa. Our princess wished her childhood could have been fixed so easily. She learned his favorite actor was Nicolas Cage and not ironically. He had a profound love for the man. She learned that he was allergic to cats so she could rid her mind of the irrational fear that he may smell like cat pee upon meeting him. She dared him to send videos of himself singing and he did after putting up a fuss. He sang Sublime. He sang Rush. He sang the Jonathan Coulton version of “Baby Got Back”. She was enamored with him.
The dares eventually led up to one fair evening in the year 2015 when the princess received what we refer to as a dick pic…you know, a picture of a man’s genitals via text. This particular penis didn’t repulse her, so she decided she would have sex with it in the very near future. The princess and her afroed knight in skinny jeans made plans to have a sleepover at a local “hostel” so the princess wouldn’t scare away her room mate with the sounds of sex. Basically, the rough translation of a hostel in Lafayette, Louisiana is an extra bedroom in someone else’s house. So what I’m saying is, the princess was okay with scaring a stranger in their own home but not okay with scaring her roommate. Her roommate was too important to her to make him deal with such shenanigans.
It was a good call on her part because Robin was quite vocal and they had sex a total of five times over the course of about fifteen hours spent together. Don’t judge the princess or start slut shaming! They also ate pizza and watched the Bill Murray Christmas special on Netflix. It wasn’t just sex. Okay, it was mostly sex and I’m glad we can all be adults and acknowledge that because this is where it gets weird.
They didn’t sleep very well. They woke up before the princess’ alarm went off for work the next morning. They had morning sex, of course. Robin kept talking during it, telling the princess how gorgeous she was, how amazing she felt, pick your favorite sexual comment and fill in the blank. You get the point.
She felt like she had to say something back. Without giving it any thought, she said, “I love you.” Oh fuck. Why did she say that? Of all the things she could have said, why that? She tried to save face and pretend like she had more to say, “…yooooour cock. I love your cock.” Yeah, nice save. Real smooth.
She wished she could blame this incident on alcohol but she was painfully sober. In fact, she would have liked a drink to get through this moment. They kept fucking like champs and ignored the awkwardness the princess had created. The princess couldn’t stop thinking of How I Met Your Mother the rest of the time though. She imagined that her Robin made the same terrified face Robin Scherbatsky had made when Ted Mosby professed his love for her on their first date. She was too mortified to actually look at his face. Continuing to fuck him was fine, but to actually look him in the eyes…she just couldn’t.
Afterwards, she had to address the situation. She couldn’t just leave it alone like any normal person would. “I’m so sorry. I don’t actually love you.” Robin said, “I wasn’t going to mention it, if you didn’t.” She had to head to work after this. What a strange ending to a “first date”.
She arrived at work where she was asked about her date. She said, “I pulled a Mosby!” Her co-workers laughed so hard at her misfortune and began calling her Schmosby. These things only happened to her. She spoke with Robin later where he admitted that he also had told the story to his brother and referred to it as “pulling a Mosby” as well. Maybe they were meant to be after all. But she can only wind up with him after she loses the real love her life to cancer, so we have a while to wait before that one ends happily ever after. They also decided to only be friends during that same discussion so I hope you’re not shipping this relationship.
*Another one of those name change dealies to protect the innocent. But do you get the joke? He’s the Robin to my Ted Mosby. Haha! Yeah, I’m a dork. But you’re a dork too, for reading this nonsense. Also, I want to puke after referring to myself as a princess for an entire post but it was a dare and I’m no pussy. Now I need to shower the princess off of me. Goodnight.